Teaching English as a foreign language certainly has its ups and downs. Like a lot of jobs, we’ve all had those days where nothing goes right and your patience is pushed to the absolute limit.

As bad as these days are, they’re evened out by good experiences too. One thing I’ve learnt is that – whether they mean it or not – students really have the ability to brighten up your day. In fact, nine times out of ten they don’t even know they’re doing it! Without wishing to take the p*ss out of my past and present students too much, the time they’re most likely to put a smile on my face is when they say something outrageous. You know, the sort of thing that makes you do a double take and think: “Did you really just say that?!”.

In what I hope will be a continuously updating list, here is a compilation of some of the funniest things I’ve heard or read from students since becoming a teacher…

1) Me: “If you could use one adjective to describe yourself, what would it be?”
Student: “Attractive.”

This intermediate level student certainly hasn’t learnt the concept of modesty…

2) “What the fu*k?!”

An 11 year old student who could barely speak a word of the queens managed to string this phrase together upon hearing he’d got an answer wrong…

3)

It’s those pesky adjectives again. Since this day I have learnt never to ask students to describe me…

4) “Yesterday was a great day because I got to meet my company’s external auditor.”

Each to their own, I guess…

5) 

Asking my young students to write a list of rules for the classroom was possibly a mistake in hindsight. Yes, that does say “Teacher must eat poo poo”…

6)

This attempt at a class story went a bit off track…

7)
Another class story. Can’t knock the imagination, I suppose…

8) Student: Teacher, can I date white girls when I live in the USA?
Teacher: Yes, of course.
Student: But there is a… uh… small problem. *(Gestures clearly to his junk)*
Teacher: Oh, uh…
Student: Is there some exercise I can do to make it larger?
Teacher: Aren’t you rich?
Student: Yes. My father is very wealthy.
Teacher: You’re set.

This one comes from Chris at Aussie on the Road who has spent time teaching in both Korea and China. This particular student seemed to have his priorities sorted…

9) “It would be nice if my dog didn’t eat shit.”

Teaching ‘hopes and wishes’ usually produces sentences about future plans and career moves. Not in this student’s case…

10) Me: Name a country!
Student: Islam.

Good job I’m not this kid’s geography teacher…

11) “The mother is more important than the father because the mother can give tit.”

Didn’t expect to be teaching ‘breastfeeding’ to a bunch of 16 year old boys…

That’s all I can think of off the top of my head right now. I’m fairly sure that this post will be updated in the coming weeks, months and years!

Are you an English teacher? What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard from your students? Leave a comment and I’ll add it to the list!